acceptance, be yourself, death, Faith

Am I Afraid of Death, Dying, My Mortality?

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Picture of an empty room to signify the loss or death of someone.
Photo by Michal Balog on Unsplash

Driving home, a feeling came down upon me and it knocked me sideways, startled me a bit. A realization of my mortality where, for just a moment, I felt what my last moments on earth were going to be like. It was a surreal feeling that I neither enjoyed nor hated; there was a calm.

I’m coming to terms with the notion that I have lived the majority of my life already. This could be a “midlife” thing and in my mind and heart, I’m ready for another fifty plus years. So there is maybe a discord in what I’m feeling and what I want.

Maybe these thoughts are because my Mom and Brother have been on my mind.

I watched my them both die in their hospital bed and there are times where it feels as it is happening all over again. The sounds, the smell, the sights, the overall vibe and just for a split second I’m transported back. It feels so real, I can’t help but well up.

The process of their passing was drawn out and I wonder if they knew what was happening. My guess is that toward the end, they knew at some level but I think they were gone well before their last breath. I hope they knew they weren’t alone, that we were there until the end and maybe this gave them comfort? I Will never know for sure, this what I wonder.

Now what do I do?

I’m going to continue to push back on this notion of death and do my best to ensure I have lived my best and longest life. I’m not afraid to die but I’m not in a hurry to do so. I feel sad thinking about leaving behind my loved ones and the pain of my passing will cause, just as the passing of my Brother and Mother have caused me. This all tells me that I need to make the best of my time with all who are important to me while I still have blood pumping in my veins.

acceptance, authenticity, be yourself, Compassion

Showing Emotion. No Need to Apologize

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Woman sitting in front of bed showing emotion and about to cry.
Photo by Claudia Wolff on Unsplash

I was watching a documentary on Netflix about Normans Rare Guitars in California. As a guitarist, this documentary is right up my alley and was a great watch but the guitars aren’t why I am writing this post. Midway through the film, Norman Harris (owner of the store) tells us a story of a terminally ill customer who was a big Ritchie Sambora fan and wanted Harris to give Ritchie a tape (I think of his playing or something like that). Harris calls up Sambora to tell him about this kid and Ritchie heads straight to the store, same day, to meet the kid and ultimately develops a friendship with him until he passes.

A Touching Story

While Norman and Samobora were telling their part of the story, they had to pause for a minute or two to compose themselves. Both uttered out an “I’m sorry” and “didn’t mean to get emotional” apologies to the cameramen and continued on. This is something that I see often, especially with men and I wonder why does it have to be like this? Why do we feel the need to apologize when we get a little misty or emotional? For men, we hold back because it is perceived as weak and for women, they are said to be too emotional.

Just let it out already

Honestly, I’m tired of this antiquated notion about showing emotion. We need not to be embarrassed to shed a tear, to show emotion. This doesn’t mean just lose your shit all the time but if you get moved and need a moment, don’t apologize. It’s bottled up in there and if you don’t let it out, it will come out possibly a different way; like anger.

Wear that vulnerability like a badge of honor.

Give yourself permission to feel unapologetically because its all part of being human.

acceptance, Anxiety, authenticity, be yourself, Compassion

Self-Talk: What are you really telling yourself

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woman in front a a mirror with your finger pressed on her lips as if to Shoosh herself. Maybe to quiet her own negative self talk
Photo by Raíssa Letícia on Unsplash

Here’s an experiment for you and for me. Don’t listen to the people around you and pay attention to the words you tell yourself. I consider myself a fairly positive person and have worked hard to do so; was very cynical in my younger years. However, I have found that maybe I’m not as positive as I thought myself to be.

Things I’ve said to myself over the past month/year

  • Be realistic
  • Dream on
  • Maybe it’s not meant to be
  • I don’t fit in
  • I’m embarrassed
  • I’m too late
  • I don’t have the energy/I wish I had my “young” energy again
  • I just don’t have it.
  • I don’t belong
  • I don’t trust…. (insert whatever or whoever here)

Just a sample of some of the many thoughts that pass through my mind. Compare this to how my self talk was in ten years ago, this list is a display of out of control optimism. Maybe a bit of exaggeration but this was, or thought tried to rationalize that it was an improvement.

Time To Raise The Bar

Since my self talk has been so negative in the past, I’m realizing that I’ve rationalized this as an improvement and good enough. Because at first glance, these words aren’t very harsh but as I dig deeper they are doing damage, one little dig at a time. Eventually it builds up and and I’ve figured out this type of thinking is keeping me from moving forward on projects and goals I would like to accomplish. Long story short; I’m holding myself back.

Challenge Your Thoughts

Does anything that I’m saying resonate with you? What does your list look like? The old saying that “We are our own worst critic” is true. Take a step back and observe your thoughts, don’t judge, just observe and discover whether or not we are our own worst critic. It’s time to challenge those old thoughts and turn:

  • “I’m too old” to “It’s never too late; I have time”
  • “I’m too young” to “I have new and fresh energy and ideas”
  • “I don’t fit in” to “I am comfortable with myself and will transcend”
  • “I don’t trust” to “I believe in my talent and ability

There are so many things in life that we worry and have anxiety about, much of which we can’t control. We can, however, have a say and control what we think. Be aware and be kind to yourself.