
Driving home, a feeling came down upon me and it knocked me sideways, startled me a bit. A realization of my mortality where, for just a moment, I felt what my last moments on earth were going to be like. It was a surreal feeling that I neither enjoyed nor hated; there was a calm.
I’m coming to terms with the notion that I have lived the majority of my life already. This could be a “midlife” thing and in my mind and heart, I’m ready for another fifty plus years. So there is maybe a discord in what I’m feeling and what I want.
Maybe these thoughts are because my Mom and Brother have been on my mind.
I watched my them both die in their hospital bed and there are times where it feels as it is happening all over again. The sounds, the smell, the sights, the overall vibe and just for a split second I’m transported back. It feels so real, I can’t help but well up.
The process of their passing was drawn out and I wonder if they knew what was happening. My guess is that toward the end, they knew at some level but I think they were gone well before their last breath. I hope they knew they weren’t alone, that we were there until the end and maybe this gave them comfort? I Will never know for sure, this what I wonder.
Now what do I do?
I’m going to continue to push back on this notion of death and do my best to ensure I have lived my best and longest life. I’m not afraid to die but I’m not in a hurry to do so. I feel sad thinking about leaving behind my loved ones and the pain of my passing will cause, just as the passing of my Brother and Mother have caused me. This all tells me that I need to make the best of my time with all who are important to me while I still have blood pumping in my veins.