acceptance, gratitude, presence

Saying Goodbye to the Past

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Example of the domain used to own: Screenshot of the Mountain Vista Technologies website in 2006.

I recently received an email notifying me that a domain I’ve owned for almost 20 years had expired. The last asset of my technology consulting firm I operated from 2005 to 2009. My company was called Mountain Vista Technologies and it was my first real venture into entrepreneurship. I did mostly web design, small business network and computer support and it was getting to be quite successful. I was and still am very proud of what I accomplished those 4 years until I closed shop for good.

So what happened, why did I close my business?

I had some life events happen; a close family member passed away and my marriage was over. I lost focus on the business and didn’t have an ounce of motivation to maintain it, let alone grow it. So I closed shop and retreated within for a bit to regroup. I kept a hold of the domain because I had it in my head, “what if I want to start it up again?” and I kept renewing every year. I wasn’t ready to let go.

Time to let it Go

Why is it hard to let go of something that I’m not using and has cost me money for many years? I can’t tell you for certain why I kept it for so long. Maybe it’s all the time and effort I put into building the domain into something that got good search engine results and a decent amount of visitors. It was a momento I held onto, much like a picture or a trinket that takes up room on in your house. But at some point you gotta clean house, right? Holding on to something that doesn’t serve me anymore didn’t make sense so I dropped it (and saved some $$!!). Mountain Vista Tech is gone but it is the foundation and inspiration for ReleasingJudgment.com and my guitar blog. Time to appreciate and let go of the past, be present and have my eye on the future.

acceptance, Anxiety, Grief

My Brother Died and I’m Lost

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My brother left this world about a year and a half ago(2 years in may) and ever since, I’ve struggled to adjust to life without him. Nothing will ever be the same again and I wonder how one can “move on” after a life changing event like this. Wait, let’s get something straight here, I don’t believe one can just “move on” after losing someone so close. It’s more like a relearning how to live without them. I have my good days and bad days but my brother is never far from my thoughts and there is a hole in my heart that I’m afraid will never heal.

My Brother and Me wearing orange at a Denver Bronco Game

In The Words of Billy Bob

About a year ago, I came across the video of Billy Bob Thornton discussing the death of his brother and the grief he carries to this day. After watching, the sadness I felt was overwhelming and yet at the same time relieving. Relieved I wasn’t alone and I now had a road map of sorts for the seemingly impossible idea of living without my big brother.

“I’ve never been the same since my brother died. There is a melancholy inside me that never goes away. I’m 50 percent happy and 50 percent sad at any given moment. And the only advice I can give people for when you lose someone like that is…you won’t ever get over it. And the more you know that and embrace it, the better off you are.”

Billy Bob Thornton

Learning to live with it; embrace it?

I will never get over my brother’s death and I will carry this grief until I leave this earth. I am learning to embrace it as Billy Bob says but how? The way I see it, my grief like a piece of furniture or fixture in my house that I didn’t ask for but can’t get rid of. At first, it’s sitting in the middle of my living room constantly reminding me it’s there and it seems unbearable that it exists. I’ll arrange and rearrange, finding different places for my grief depending on the day. It might even go unnoticed for a while but I’ll always know it’s there. It’s not going anywhere and might even end up back the middle of the living room from time to time. In the end, I will never “move on” but I have realized that I need to make a pact with my grief.  I’ll embrace it, as Billy Bob says, even on the days where it finds its way back to the center of the living room. 

Full MasterClass Below:

Anxiety, be yourself, Lesson

Taking Chances and Being Vulnerable

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Graphic of ratings stating "poor""Average" "Good" "Excellent"

I’m going to do something that is completely out of my comfort zone but so necessary. I’m going to ask my wife to read my next post before I publish it to this blog. Why is this news? Well usually, I write, re-read, make changes and publish when I feel it’s ready and hope for the best. The thought of someone reading and critiquing what I write, while I wait? The feeling of dread and apprehension is overwhelming. Logically, I know I will benefit from this breaking avoiding this uncomfortable step in writing. The truth is I have little to lose and I know my wife is a safe space. Mentally, this is something that has kept me from creating in the past and the roadblock needs to be done away with.

What Am I Afraid Of?

I take way too much stock in what people think of me and whatever I’m create. For as long as I remember, I have been horrible at receiving feedback and criticism; especially from someone who is close to me. No matter how well intentioned and sugar coated the critique, my initial reflex is to take offense, be defensive or be crushed. To my credit, I do warm up to the ideas in time and if they make sense, I will adopt these suggestions that have been put before me. This method is not sustainable and I would rather not alienate the people in my life who are willing to help. Breaking a cycle is always hard and the first time getting outside the boundary can daunting. My hope is this will further aid my writing and boost my confidence.

5.7.25 – Update: I was right. My wife was a safespace and her input was a great help in my writing. I need to make this a habit to continue to cultivate my writing. You can find the post in the link below: https://www.releasingjudgment.com/my-brother-died-and-im-lost/